For the days I want to strangle my children...

I went to the coast this past weekend with my visiting mother and sister, and my three little boys ages three and a half, almost two, and 6 weeks old. My husband decided to stay home and get as much work done for his business as he could. So, even though I did have help from my mom and sister, it wasn't the same as the second parent back up that I get from my husband, especially as the "daddy authority".
It was a fun time, but really a lot of work for me. At one point, we had gone down to the beach and the bigger boys were digging in the sand while the baby slept peacefully in his car seat. Grannie and Auntie watched them while I walked down to the water to fill up a water bottle for playing in the sand. To my right a ways up the beach was Cape Look Out, and a huge sand dune. People were hiking up and down the dune, and all around on the cape, and I thought "Oh that would be a lot of fun to go climb that hill, and go exploring on the Cape."

Then I came to my senses.

I realized the days of doing things like that, that I like to do alone or with other adults, are far away from me. Far away in the past, and far away in the future. There's no such thing as "going exploring" for fun. There's no such thing as even going for a walk in my neighborhood alone...unless someone is home with the boys. There's no such thing as doing anything alone....even going to the bathroom. I'm not complaining about this; it was more a revelation I had. Kind of a sad revelation, I'll admit.

Today, my mom and sister left to drive back to San Diego. They left pretty early this morning, and then my husband had to leave for some work. Today was the start of getting back to "normal" life after a whirl wind of having a baby, and two vacations, and visiting relatives. The first day of really adjusting to having three little boys at home, and being the only adult to take care of them for the majority of the day.

It was a rough day.
I could go for a cigarette (of the legal and/or illegal variety).

It's hard to believe there will ever be days when I don't want to run away from my responsibilities as a mother of three. When I won't be exhausted from cleaning up after and disciplining my older two boys and answering 10 million questions from my very curious three year old every five minutes, while trying to nurse the baby or change him, or comfort him because one of the big boys woke him up from a nap, or bonked into him, or poked him or scratched him, or nearly rocked him out of his little baby rocker (thankfully he was strapped in!) When I will be able to purposefully  make time for myself, to be alone and do the things I want and need to do, even if that is to just sit and be quiet for 10 minutes.
Today, I practiced patience and (mostly) succeeded. It was hard. I know it will be hard tomorrow and the next day and the next, for the next 20 years at least! Days like today make me think I am the craziest woman alive for wanting this. That's when I remember that even though my boys drive me crazy, even when I have 'discipline' them both every 2 minutes, and feel like I'm going to pull my hair out and loose my voice from yelling at them, and I'm tired from corralling them all day long.... I love them so much! They really are worth all of this frustration. But most of all, it is OK for me to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, because my God, look at my life...it's freakin' overwhelming.

Happy Birthday, Mary Jane.

To Mary Jane, one of the most wonderful persons I have ever known.
Tomorrow is your birthday and I decided what I needed to give you was a letter. My mom wrote special birthday letters to my sister, brother and me several years ago, and they were all very special, wonderful gifts that the three of us all treasured.
Today, you came to my house and spent the day with my mom and my big boys, and gave me the chance to slip out with the baby, for some much needed time away from home and away from the big boys, and that was a very special treat indeed. You visited with mom and kept her company, and were oh so patient with the whole thing. Thank you.
This is the kind of thing you seem to do all the time for us. I know it's not a chore for you to come spend time with us and the boys, but you are such a wonderful help when you are here, or by taking the boys home or other places with you (I know Walt has a hand in this as well ;).
What would we do with out you, Mary Jane? Even more so in my mind, I often think "what would I do with out you? For Eli's sake, for my sake, and especially for our boys, we would be lost with out you.
As I said earlier, you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever known, but the truth is you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever had the privilege to know and love. You have made having a family all the more sweet for me, and I am daily thankful to have you as my mother-in-law.
 I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with you. You have been my greatest support in being married, in having children...even in pursuing my dream of becoming a midwife. You always have a kind word of support and encouragement, and a warm hug. Even the times when I am feeling cranky and overwhelmed by life, as is often the case as of lately with three little boys, you always brighten my spirits when you come around or call to check up on us, or give a quick little facebook note.
Thank you for being more than just my mother-in-law, or grandma to the boys. You are and always will be, so much more than that. Thank you for all the support you have given and continue to give us as a family. We would be sunk with out the encouragement you give us both.
We love you dearly, Mary Jane. I love you dearly. Thank you for taking me in to your family, and being my mother at times when my mom can't (and couldn't). Thank you for loving my kids in a special way that only their grandma can. They need all the support they can get as well, and you are always ready and willing to jump right in, with them.

Happy Birthday, Mary Jane. From the deepest part of my heart, I hope it's a grand one!