It was a fun time, but really a lot of work for me. At one point, we had gone down to the beach and the bigger boys were digging in the sand while the baby slept peacefully in his car seat. Grannie and Auntie watched them while I walked down to the water to fill up a water bottle for playing in the sand. To my right a ways up the beach was Cape Look Out, and a huge sand dune. People were hiking up and down the dune, and all around on the cape, and I thought "Oh that would be a lot of fun to go climb that hill, and go exploring on the Cape."
Then I came to my senses.
I realized the days of doing things like that, that I like to do alone or with other adults, are far away from me. Far away in the past, and far away in the future. There's no such thing as "going exploring" for fun. There's no such thing as even going for a walk in my neighborhood alone...unless someone is home with the boys. There's no such thing as doing anything alone....even going to the bathroom. I'm not complaining about this; it was more a revelation I had. Kind of a sad revelation, I'll admit.
Today, my mom and sister left to drive back to San Diego. They left pretty early this morning, and then my husband had to leave for some work. Today was the start of getting back to "normal" life after a whirl wind of having a baby, and two vacations, and visiting relatives. The first day of really adjusting to having three little boys at home, and being the only adult to take care of them for the majority of the day.
It was a rough day.
I could go for a cigarette (of the legal and/or illegal variety).
It's hard to believe there will ever be days when I don't want to run away from my responsibilities as a mother of three. When I won't be exhausted from cleaning up after and disciplining my older two boys and answering 10 million questions from my very curious three year old every five minutes, while trying to nurse the baby or change him, or comfort him because one of the big boys woke him up from a nap, or bonked into him, or poked him or scratched him, or nearly rocked him out of his little baby rocker (thankfully he was strapped in!) When I will be able to purposefully make time for myself, to be alone and do the things I want and need to do, even if that is to just sit and be quiet for 10 minutes.
Today, I practiced patience and (mostly) succeeded. It was hard. I know it will be hard tomorrow and the next day and the next, for the next 20 years at least! Days like today make me think I am the craziest woman alive for wanting this. That's when I remember that even though my boys drive me crazy, even when I have 'discipline' them both every 2 minutes, and feel like I'm going to pull my hair out and loose my voice from yelling at them, and I'm tired from corralling them all day long.... I love them so much! They really are worth all of this frustration. But most of all, it is OK for me to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, because my God, look at my life...it's freakin' overwhelming.
Beth, the day you had today doesn't represent the next 20 years. Yes, many of your days will be like today or maybe even more frustrating but there will also be days when you watch your children playing together, laughing, exploring and loving each other. Those days a contented sigh will escape your lips, your heart will swell and you will know beyond any shadow of a doubt that all those other days were a down payment on this day; a day I used to call a 'PayDay'...And when you add up all those 'PayDays' you will realize just how rich you are. :)
ReplyDelete