3-12-2015
This morning I'm really struggling with life. My boys are sick. It's early and I would have liked to sleep in just a little longer. They have already started being brats, and I just don't even want to deal with them. Any of them.
Last night I was perusing pinterest and came across a little pin that said "Mantra for a mom who yells....and wants to stop." This was something I couldn't pass up. I clicked on it, read it and thought about it for a bit. Then decided this was something I needed (desperately) in my life. The main idea was about mindfulness, and when you were getting ready to open your mouth to speak, to anyone but especially to your kids, that you stopped for a second and think to yourself "loving voice", and then proceed with a loving voice, tone, attitude. I want that.
So when I got up this morning, earlier than I wanted because Corbin was up which woke Emmett up....and then Martyn was up and complaining of a head ache and fever, there was a lot of crying for me to do things, before I even had a chance to go pee. It was hard to want to have a loving voice, or attitude. I started thinking about what Paul said, "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate." (Rom. 7:15) Why is it so hard to just do what I want to do, what I know is right? It even seems like it should be simple, right? It is not a simple thing, to lay ones self down, and put others first...even others whom you love dearly.
I've decided to commit to a few things this year, concerning my family. I know it's the middle of March, the year is nearly a quarter gone and I'm a little late on the draw, but I figured better late than not at all. I suppose I'm posting this for accountability's sake.
1. I am committing to build my kids and husband up everyday. This means to talk to them and interact with them in a loving way, to extend kindness and compassion when I least feel like it, and empathy. Even when I'm frustrated, and feeling like I just really need them to do what I say, when I'm feeling like I need to get my way and it's obvious that I will not be.
2. I am committing to set aside time each day to pray for each of them individually, with no distractions. This is really tough for me to do and to admit to in the first place.. It's another of those things that falls into the category of "wanting to do, but just don't do"...my mind wanders. It's really tough to set time aside...it means I'll have to get off social media more (which I also desperately need to do) and I'm lazy.
3. I am committing to stop lecturing. Both to Eli and the boys. This is especially tough, because it's a way of thinking that has been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. But the fact is, I hate getting a lecture. I hate it so much, it makes my blood boil and I want to punch the lecturer in the mouth. Why then, do I so often subject my loved ones to such lectures? I know why.
It's just what Paul said.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Saturday, November 29, 2014
No eye contact
I don't exactly remember this happening, but I think my parents and some other adults in my life when I was a child, withheld eye contact from me for punishment on occasions. I don't specifically remember an occasion that happened, but I have noticed when I'm angry or annoyed, I tend to with hold eye contact from people....adult people, not kids.
I only just realized this today.
I've been in an annoyed, seething funk all day and tonight at dinner I realized as I sat down with my family that I had been avoiding eye contact, nearly the entire day. I asked Eli if he remembered his folks ever with holding eye contact as a sort of punishment, and he said he doesn't remember anything like that. Then he asked me if I had been mad at him all day, because that's what I was doing. I wasn't specifically angry or even annoyed with him, but since I was in such a funk, he definitely took some of the brunt in that way.
What a strange concept. That eye contact could be such a treasured reward, or lack of it could be such a hurtful punishment. I also find it very interesting that for myself, I noticed I was only doing this with the adults in the house today, not the boys. That makes me think I need to make a conscious effort to not with hold eye contact with them at any time. I have noticed they all seek it out too. They want me to look them in the eye, and I want them to as well, so I know they are paying attention to what I say. Sometimes I've noticed when he's getting a lecture, Martyn's eyes totally glaze over, which makes me so angry I could smack him! I don't. But I feel like I could.
I need to work on some anger issues in my heart.
Something that has built up over my entire life it seems, I'm always the one overlooked. (Always is such a strong statement....I should say almost always.) I think the feelings I've dealt with in that for all these years, come flying to the surface when I feel like I'm not being heard, especially by my family. Boys and girls, men and women, simply communicate differently. Girls learn at a much younger age than boys, how to read faces and body language. I think I need to start working on facial expressions exercises with my boys already.
I only just realized this today.
I've been in an annoyed, seething funk all day and tonight at dinner I realized as I sat down with my family that I had been avoiding eye contact, nearly the entire day. I asked Eli if he remembered his folks ever with holding eye contact as a sort of punishment, and he said he doesn't remember anything like that. Then he asked me if I had been mad at him all day, because that's what I was doing. I wasn't specifically angry or even annoyed with him, but since I was in such a funk, he definitely took some of the brunt in that way.
What a strange concept. That eye contact could be such a treasured reward, or lack of it could be such a hurtful punishment. I also find it very interesting that for myself, I noticed I was only doing this with the adults in the house today, not the boys. That makes me think I need to make a conscious effort to not with hold eye contact with them at any time. I have noticed they all seek it out too. They want me to look them in the eye, and I want them to as well, so I know they are paying attention to what I say. Sometimes I've noticed when he's getting a lecture, Martyn's eyes totally glaze over, which makes me so angry I could smack him! I don't. But I feel like I could.
I need to work on some anger issues in my heart.
Something that has built up over my entire life it seems, I'm always the one overlooked. (Always is such a strong statement....I should say almost always.) I think the feelings I've dealt with in that for all these years, come flying to the surface when I feel like I'm not being heard, especially by my family. Boys and girls, men and women, simply communicate differently. Girls learn at a much younger age than boys, how to read faces and body language. I think I need to start working on facial expressions exercises with my boys already.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
For the days I want to strangle my children...
I went to the coast this past weekend with my visiting mother and sister, and my three little boys ages three and a half, almost two, and 6 weeks old. My husband decided to stay home and get as much work done for his business as he could. So, even though I did have help from my mom and sister, it wasn't the same as the second parent back up that I get from my husband, especially as the "daddy authority".
It was a fun time, but really a lot of work for me. At one point, we had gone down to the beach and the bigger boys were digging in the sand while the baby slept peacefully in his car seat. Grannie and Auntie watched them while I walked down to the water to fill up a water bottle for playing in the sand. To my right a ways up the beach was Cape Look Out, and a huge sand dune. People were hiking up and down the dune, and all around on the cape, and I thought "Oh that would be a lot of fun to go climb that hill, and go exploring on the Cape."
Then I came to my senses.
I realized the days of doing things like that, that I like to do alone or with other adults, are far away from me. Far away in the past, and far away in the future. There's no such thing as "going exploring" for fun. There's no such thing as even going for a walk in my neighborhood alone...unless someone is home with the boys. There's no such thing as doing anything alone....even going to the bathroom. I'm not complaining about this; it was more a revelation I had. Kind of a sad revelation, I'll admit.
Today, my mom and sister left to drive back to San Diego. They left pretty early this morning, and then my husband had to leave for some work. Today was the start of getting back to "normal" life after a whirl wind of having a baby, and two vacations, and visiting relatives. The first day of really adjusting to having three little boys at home, and being the only adult to take care of them for the majority of the day.
It was a rough day.
I could go for a cigarette (of the legal and/or illegal variety).
It's hard to believe there will ever be days when I don't want to run away from my responsibilities as a mother of three. When I won't be exhausted from cleaning up after and disciplining my older two boys and answering 10 million questions from my very curious three year old every five minutes, while trying to nurse the baby or change him, or comfort him because one of the big boys woke him up from a nap, or bonked into him, or poked him or scratched him, or nearly rocked him out of his little baby rocker (thankfully he was strapped in!) When I will be able to purposefully make time for myself, to be alone and do the things I want and need to do, even if that is to just sit and be quiet for 10 minutes.
Today, I practiced patience and (mostly) succeeded. It was hard. I know it will be hard tomorrow and the next day and the next, for the next 20 years at least! Days like today make me think I am the craziest woman alive for wanting this. That's when I remember that even though my boys drive me crazy, even when I have 'discipline' them both every 2 minutes, and feel like I'm going to pull my hair out and loose my voice from yelling at them, and I'm tired from corralling them all day long.... I love them so much! They really are worth all of this frustration. But most of all, it is OK for me to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, because my God, look at my life...it's freakin' overwhelming.
It was a fun time, but really a lot of work for me. At one point, we had gone down to the beach and the bigger boys were digging in the sand while the baby slept peacefully in his car seat. Grannie and Auntie watched them while I walked down to the water to fill up a water bottle for playing in the sand. To my right a ways up the beach was Cape Look Out, and a huge sand dune. People were hiking up and down the dune, and all around on the cape, and I thought "Oh that would be a lot of fun to go climb that hill, and go exploring on the Cape."
Then I came to my senses.
I realized the days of doing things like that, that I like to do alone or with other adults, are far away from me. Far away in the past, and far away in the future. There's no such thing as "going exploring" for fun. There's no such thing as even going for a walk in my neighborhood alone...unless someone is home with the boys. There's no such thing as doing anything alone....even going to the bathroom. I'm not complaining about this; it was more a revelation I had. Kind of a sad revelation, I'll admit.
Today, my mom and sister left to drive back to San Diego. They left pretty early this morning, and then my husband had to leave for some work. Today was the start of getting back to "normal" life after a whirl wind of having a baby, and two vacations, and visiting relatives. The first day of really adjusting to having three little boys at home, and being the only adult to take care of them for the majority of the day.
It was a rough day.
I could go for a cigarette (of the legal and/or illegal variety).
It's hard to believe there will ever be days when I don't want to run away from my responsibilities as a mother of three. When I won't be exhausted from cleaning up after and disciplining my older two boys and answering 10 million questions from my very curious three year old every five minutes, while trying to nurse the baby or change him, or comfort him because one of the big boys woke him up from a nap, or bonked into him, or poked him or scratched him, or nearly rocked him out of his little baby rocker (thankfully he was strapped in!) When I will be able to purposefully make time for myself, to be alone and do the things I want and need to do, even if that is to just sit and be quiet for 10 minutes.
Today, I practiced patience and (mostly) succeeded. It was hard. I know it will be hard tomorrow and the next day and the next, for the next 20 years at least! Days like today make me think I am the craziest woman alive for wanting this. That's when I remember that even though my boys drive me crazy, even when I have 'discipline' them both every 2 minutes, and feel like I'm going to pull my hair out and loose my voice from yelling at them, and I'm tired from corralling them all day long.... I love them so much! They really are worth all of this frustration. But most of all, it is OK for me to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, because my God, look at my life...it's freakin' overwhelming.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Happy Birthday, Mary Jane.
To Mary Jane, one of the most wonderful persons I have ever known.
Tomorrow is your birthday and I decided what I needed to give you was a letter. My mom wrote special birthday letters to my sister, brother and me several years ago, and they were all very special, wonderful gifts that the three of us all treasured.
Today, you came to my house and spent the day with my mom and my big boys, and gave me the chance to slip out with the baby, for some much needed time away from home and away from the big boys, and that was a very special treat indeed. You visited with mom and kept her company, and were oh so patient with the whole thing. Thank you.
This is the kind of thing you seem to do all the time for us. I know it's not a chore for you to come spend time with us and the boys, but you are such a wonderful help when you are here, or by taking the boys home or other places with you (I know Walt has a hand in this as well ;).
What would we do with out you, Mary Jane? Even more so in my mind, I often think "what would I do with out you? For Eli's sake, for my sake, and especially for our boys, we would be lost with out you.
As I said earlier, you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever known, but the truth is you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever had the privilege to know and love. You have made having a family all the more sweet for me, and I am daily thankful to have you as my mother-in-law.
I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with you. You have been my greatest support in being married, in having children...even in pursuing my dream of becoming a midwife. You always have a kind word of support and encouragement, and a warm hug. Even the times when I am feeling cranky and overwhelmed by life, as is often the case as of lately with three little boys, you always brighten my spirits when you come around or call to check up on us, or give a quick little facebook note.
Thank you for being more than just my mother-in-law, or grandma to the boys. You are and always will be, so much more than that. Thank you for all the support you have given and continue to give us as a family. We would be sunk with out the encouragement you give us both.
We love you dearly, Mary Jane. I love you dearly. Thank you for taking me in to your family, and being my mother at times when my mom can't (and couldn't). Thank you for loving my kids in a special way that only their grandma can. They need all the support they can get as well, and you are always ready and willing to jump right in, with them.
Happy Birthday, Mary Jane. From the deepest part of my heart, I hope it's a grand one!
Tomorrow is your birthday and I decided what I needed to give you was a letter. My mom wrote special birthday letters to my sister, brother and me several years ago, and they were all very special, wonderful gifts that the three of us all treasured.
Today, you came to my house and spent the day with my mom and my big boys, and gave me the chance to slip out with the baby, for some much needed time away from home and away from the big boys, and that was a very special treat indeed. You visited with mom and kept her company, and were oh so patient with the whole thing. Thank you.
This is the kind of thing you seem to do all the time for us. I know it's not a chore for you to come spend time with us and the boys, but you are such a wonderful help when you are here, or by taking the boys home or other places with you (I know Walt has a hand in this as well ;).
What would we do with out you, Mary Jane? Even more so in my mind, I often think "what would I do with out you? For Eli's sake, for my sake, and especially for our boys, we would be lost with out you.
As I said earlier, you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever known, but the truth is you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever had the privilege to know and love. You have made having a family all the more sweet for me, and I am daily thankful to have you as my mother-in-law.
I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with you. You have been my greatest support in being married, in having children...even in pursuing my dream of becoming a midwife. You always have a kind word of support and encouragement, and a warm hug. Even the times when I am feeling cranky and overwhelmed by life, as is often the case as of lately with three little boys, you always brighten my spirits when you come around or call to check up on us, or give a quick little facebook note.
Thank you for being more than just my mother-in-law, or grandma to the boys. You are and always will be, so much more than that. Thank you for all the support you have given and continue to give us as a family. We would be sunk with out the encouragement you give us both.
We love you dearly, Mary Jane. I love you dearly. Thank you for taking me in to your family, and being my mother at times when my mom can't (and couldn't). Thank you for loving my kids in a special way that only their grandma can. They need all the support they can get as well, and you are always ready and willing to jump right in, with them.
Happy Birthday, Mary Jane. From the deepest part of my heart, I hope it's a grand one!
Thursday, June 19, 2014
And now, we are 5
6-19-2014
8:05 pm
8:05 pm
Where else to start this blog, than with my newest son's birth story? I've waited a little longer to write this story out, because I needed a bit of time to just process it....and now I have three boys to take care of, and my time has been limited.
But there's no time like the present to start, and I suppose two weeks later is as fine a time as any, right? Right.
Emmett's Birth Story
My due date was Monday, June 2nd. Song (my sister in law from Alaska) was here and everyone was patiently waiting the arival of Baby Joy. That is, everyone was patiently waiting until June 2nd, then it felt like pretty much I was the only one left who was being, and feeling patient.
All that week, I had been feeling little twinges once in a while, like very mild cramps, but nothing would come of them and each night I would go to bed thinking "is this going to be the night?" A few times I had gotten up in the night to pee, and when I came back to bed started having a bit stronger cramping, kind of like I had with Martyn, but still nothing would come from it.
I was pleased to find myself happy to wait. I didn't feel stressed about it, though there were a few details I was a little un certain of, such as what to do with the boys, and whether or not we would be able to get the tub set up in time...but I didn't feel stressed or under pressure to have the baby, like I had with Corbin. I felt at peace waiting for the baby to come when he was ready. Yes, he. It should be noted that I did indeed know ahead of time, that we were having a boy. I was honest every time someone asked "do you know what you're having", when I answered "there was no peeking at the ultra sound". I did not peek, and Eli did not know the sex of the baby....however, he did have to leave the room during the ultra sound, and I made a command decision to ask the ultra sound tech to show and tell.
Up until that point, I was convinced Baby Joy was a girl. I thought, "what if I go through this whole pregnancy thinking it's a girl, and then come to find it's a boy?" I didn't want my first thought meeting my baby to be of disappointment that it was not a girl, just in case it wasn't. So I caved, and learned we were having a boy. I didn't tell Eli that I knew the sex of the baby, or that I knew at all.
On Friday June 6th, we were having a yard sale all day long. I was feeling slightly more crampy through out the day, and noticed a particular annoyance growing with my boys....I was getting very impatient with them. It occurred to me that I might be preparing for labor, because my impatience with my children was just about over the edge. That evening by the time I gave them a bath, I could not stand the thought of wearing my skirt, and especially my under wear, any longer. Really, I just wanted to be naked, but thought for the sake of anyone else in my house, and my neighbors (since I didn't feel like closing the curtains just yet) that I would keep my tank top on at least. I was very much feeling like I was going to be having the baby that night, but I wasn't sure yet. I wanted to know by bed time, if I was truly in labor, so I could send the boys over to my friend Sarah's house, with out putting them to bed first and then getting them back up in the middle of the night. So I prayed, "Lord, why not tonight? And why not let me know for sure, by bed time?" I just kept thinking and praying, "why not tonight?"
I started timing cramps/contractions at 7:54pm. I figured I would give it an hour, and see how they were coming along. Bed time was actually at 8-8:30, but I decided to push it to 9 since the boys were still very much awake and I wanted to be sure. After about a half hour, I was having contractions consistently 10 min apart, and it seemed they were real labor contractions; they were getting stronger. I still wasn't sure though. I went to the bathroom and prayed again, "Lord, I need a more definite sign, that it's time to send the boys." When I looked at my toilet paper, there was a pretty large amount of "show" (mucus) on it. Perfect! That was exactly the sign I needed! I finished up and started getting the boys ready to go. I already had an over night bag packed and ready for them. I sent them over to Sarah's with Eli, and had him call his parents to start heading down to pick them up.
I texted my midwife and let her know, and I called my sister in law Song, who was visiting her brother in Gresham. My midwife Carrie texted back asking if I wanted them to come right over or wait, and I decided to have them wait until contractions were a little closer together.
Eli came back and started getting the "birthing room" a.k.a. our dinning room ready by moving the table into the living room, and airing up the tub. He asked me if he should start filling the tub, and I started to say no not yet, but then I thought "no, I don't want to possibly miss getting to birth in the tub because it wasn't ready..." and I said yes, go ahead. Song came in and went right to work preparing a lovely arrangement of fruits and veggies and stuff to eat after the birth. I had a note pad and pen set up for me at the table in the living room, and every time I had a contraction, I would go there to record it....also, it was really helpful to just be able to hold onto the corner of the table to brace and balance for the contractions, which were steadily getting stronger, but still only 10 minutes apart. I had put my hot pepper pants, my birthing pants on, and I wasn't quite to the point of feeling like I was ready to get into the tub yet. But I started feeling like I had to poop and I was afraid to do that with out my midwives here. With both Martyn and Corbin, I felt like I needed to poop right before the time of birth, so I didn't want there to be any possibility of that happening with no midwife in attendance. I decided to call Carrie and have them head on over. When I had first texted her, but told them the wait, she had wisely sent her apprentice Megan over to the birth center to gather up the extra stuff they may need, and then they both arrived at my house at the same time, just a little while after I had called her back the second time.
Everything was ready to go when the midwives arrived. They came in and kind of got a little set up, and then just hung out. Megan took some vitals on me, and had to pause because I had a contraction right in the middle of her trying to get my blood pressure. She didn't take the cuff off my arm, and hadn't started pumping it up yet, but still I almost ripped it off in the middle of the contraction because it was bugging me, ha! Around that point my contractions dropped to 5 and then about 3 minutes apart. I had been writing them down, but I didn't notice this until later when I went back and looked at my record sheet. I was thinking they were still 10 minutes apart. I decided I could go to the bathroom now that the midwives were here, and while in the bathroom I had a mini freak out in my head. I thought, "What am I going to do if these contractions carry on at 10 minutes apart for another hour, or two? I don't think I can handle this!" I told Song about this later, after the birth and she wisely pointed out this was probably transition for me. My contractions were strong, but still totally manageable. My mantra for each one was "it's only a minute...one minute is not that long...it's only a minute..." That totally worked for me! When I looked at my toilet paper this time, there was a good amount of bloody show on it. That helped relieve my fears that things were going to carry on for very much longer, and I was ready to get into the tub.
When I came out of the bathroom, the midwives had turned off the overhead light, and lit candles all around the room. It was lovely! I got into the tub, and it felt SO good, I just kind of sank down in and let the warm water do it's job to fully relax my body, which I was surprised to find, was pretty tense. I hadn't been feeling anxious (except for my mini freak out) but I guess I was a bit. Everyone was in the dining room and we all just kind of chatted and laughed for a little while, while I just relaxed in the tub. I had a few small contractions, pretty close together, but they felt so minor that I didn't really have to pay attention to them. The water I think, made that possible...talk about excellent pain management!
Then I had a really big contraction, and I couldn't sit on the inflated seat to manage it. I had to roll over and plant my knees on the floor of the tub, and sort of drape my upper body over the wall of the tub. There were handles both on the top of the wall, and just on the outside of the wall that I could hold on to for leverage. I had to do that, and I was really glad for the grip, that contraction was a very powerful one. I think my water must have broken at that point, but I was in the tub so I didn't really feel it like I had with my other births. I felt kind of pushy when the contraction was over, and I said "I feel a little pushy..." I must have sounded really surprised about this because I was thinking "surely not. It can't be time for that already, can it?" I only had about a 30 second pause after that contraction, and then when the next one came my body pretty much just took over and I started to push. I didn't have any control over it. It was really hard work, and I pushed for the full length of the contraction; a full minute I think. It was like an out of body experience, except that I was physically experiencing everything and feeling everything, but my mind was somewhere else. I only had enough time after that contraction to take a quick breath before the next one came and my body took over and started pushing again. To everyone else, it looked like one really big push, but it was actually two. I pushed for the full length of the second contraction as well, also a full minute. Song caught the baby when he was born at the end of the second push.
I hung over the side of the tub and just cried. There were not tears, but I just cried. I was so relieved, and overwhelmed...I couldn't do anything but just cry. Everyone except Megan was behind me, and I could hear their joy and the commotion of birth, but I couldn't really comprehend all that was said. I heard Eli say something like "Hello my son!" but I'm not sure that is what he said. I did turn my head around a couple times to look at the baby, he started crying strong and loud, as soon as they brought him out of the water. When I turned around at one point, I saw Song just holding him up over the water, bent over the tub, waiting for me to turn around and take my baby from her. She had a really big, cheesy grin on her face and looked really funny standing there like that. It's one of my favorite images from the whole birth.
After a couple minutes of collecting myself, I was finally able to turn around and with help swing my leg over his cord. From the moment I laid my eyes on his face, and especially when I touched his skin, I knew that his name should be Emmett Joy. But I didn't say that. I greeted him as Baby Joy. I hugged him close, and just took him all in for a second, and then threw my head back and smiled. He was finally here...and wow! What an amazing birth! The atmosphere in the room felt like it was super charged with Joy, it was awesome! Everyone had a smile on their face, and I felt pretty great. Emmett was born at 10:36pm
I wanted to enjoy the tub for a little longer, since I had only been in it for 10-15 minutes. But I was feeling like I needed a little help with the placenta, and that I would have a bit more maneuverability to get it out if we went ahead and cut the cord (after a little while, we made sure it was done pulsing first) and hand Emmett off to daddy. Song got to cut the cord too because Eli was preoccupied....I think he just needed a minute to process the whole thing. After that, we got the placenta out easy enough and then I was ready to get out of the tub and shower off really quick. I didn't even feel all that shaky, and the best part was after the shower, I went and got into my own bed and snuggled my little babe up. Song brought me a plate of yummy fruit and fresh veggies, and some summer sausage and cheese, and pita crackers and humus, and a glass of OJ. It was awesome! That's when the party started!
It really did feel like a party. We had our bedroom door open (which opens into the living room) and everyone was hanging out in the living room or one or two people at a time would come in the bedroom with me and sit on the bed and just chat. It was so cool! Eli and Megan spent the first little while bailing out the tub, and cleaning up. Then I needed to get up and go pee, and while I was in there got to do the placenta exam with Megan. That was really cool too. What an amazing organ!
When I went back to bed, it was time to do the new born exam. Emmett weighed in at 8lbs even, and measured 21 inches long. So he was just a little bigger than Martyn (7lbs 12 oz) and the same length as Corbin. It was really fun to get to watch the whole new born exam, right there at the foot of the bed. Also, my friend Tara who is also studying to be a midwife, had come to take pictures, and she got to assist with the new born exam and trim Emmett's cord shorter. It was really cool for me to get to host that learning experience for her too, I felt very privileged.
Basically, the whole experience for me, can be summed up in one word... Joy!
On Friday June 6th, we were having a yard sale all day long. I was feeling slightly more crampy through out the day, and noticed a particular annoyance growing with my boys....I was getting very impatient with them. It occurred to me that I might be preparing for labor, because my impatience with my children was just about over the edge. That evening by the time I gave them a bath, I could not stand the thought of wearing my skirt, and especially my under wear, any longer. Really, I just wanted to be naked, but thought for the sake of anyone else in my house, and my neighbors (since I didn't feel like closing the curtains just yet) that I would keep my tank top on at least. I was very much feeling like I was going to be having the baby that night, but I wasn't sure yet. I wanted to know by bed time, if I was truly in labor, so I could send the boys over to my friend Sarah's house, with out putting them to bed first and then getting them back up in the middle of the night. So I prayed, "Lord, why not tonight? And why not let me know for sure, by bed time?" I just kept thinking and praying, "why not tonight?"
I started timing cramps/contractions at 7:54pm. I figured I would give it an hour, and see how they were coming along. Bed time was actually at 8-8:30, but I decided to push it to 9 since the boys were still very much awake and I wanted to be sure. After about a half hour, I was having contractions consistently 10 min apart, and it seemed they were real labor contractions; they were getting stronger. I still wasn't sure though. I went to the bathroom and prayed again, "Lord, I need a more definite sign, that it's time to send the boys." When I looked at my toilet paper, there was a pretty large amount of "show" (mucus) on it. Perfect! That was exactly the sign I needed! I finished up and started getting the boys ready to go. I already had an over night bag packed and ready for them. I sent them over to Sarah's with Eli, and had him call his parents to start heading down to pick them up.
I texted my midwife and let her know, and I called my sister in law Song, who was visiting her brother in Gresham. My midwife Carrie texted back asking if I wanted them to come right over or wait, and I decided to have them wait until contractions were a little closer together.
Eli came back and started getting the "birthing room" a.k.a. our dinning room ready by moving the table into the living room, and airing up the tub. He asked me if he should start filling the tub, and I started to say no not yet, but then I thought "no, I don't want to possibly miss getting to birth in the tub because it wasn't ready..." and I said yes, go ahead. Song came in and went right to work preparing a lovely arrangement of fruits and veggies and stuff to eat after the birth. I had a note pad and pen set up for me at the table in the living room, and every time I had a contraction, I would go there to record it....also, it was really helpful to just be able to hold onto the corner of the table to brace and balance for the contractions, which were steadily getting stronger, but still only 10 minutes apart. I had put my hot pepper pants, my birthing pants on, and I wasn't quite to the point of feeling like I was ready to get into the tub yet. But I started feeling like I had to poop and I was afraid to do that with out my midwives here. With both Martyn and Corbin, I felt like I needed to poop right before the time of birth, so I didn't want there to be any possibility of that happening with no midwife in attendance. I decided to call Carrie and have them head on over. When I had first texted her, but told them the wait, she had wisely sent her apprentice Megan over to the birth center to gather up the extra stuff they may need, and then they both arrived at my house at the same time, just a little while after I had called her back the second time.
Everything was ready to go when the midwives arrived. They came in and kind of got a little set up, and then just hung out. Megan took some vitals on me, and had to pause because I had a contraction right in the middle of her trying to get my blood pressure. She didn't take the cuff off my arm, and hadn't started pumping it up yet, but still I almost ripped it off in the middle of the contraction because it was bugging me, ha! Around that point my contractions dropped to 5 and then about 3 minutes apart. I had been writing them down, but I didn't notice this until later when I went back and looked at my record sheet. I was thinking they were still 10 minutes apart. I decided I could go to the bathroom now that the midwives were here, and while in the bathroom I had a mini freak out in my head. I thought, "What am I going to do if these contractions carry on at 10 minutes apart for another hour, or two? I don't think I can handle this!" I told Song about this later, after the birth and she wisely pointed out this was probably transition for me. My contractions were strong, but still totally manageable. My mantra for each one was "it's only a minute...one minute is not that long...it's only a minute..." That totally worked for me! When I looked at my toilet paper this time, there was a good amount of bloody show on it. That helped relieve my fears that things were going to carry on for very much longer, and I was ready to get into the tub.
When I came out of the bathroom, the midwives had turned off the overhead light, and lit candles all around the room. It was lovely! I got into the tub, and it felt SO good, I just kind of sank down in and let the warm water do it's job to fully relax my body, which I was surprised to find, was pretty tense. I hadn't been feeling anxious (except for my mini freak out) but I guess I was a bit. Everyone was in the dining room and we all just kind of chatted and laughed for a little while, while I just relaxed in the tub. I had a few small contractions, pretty close together, but they felt so minor that I didn't really have to pay attention to them. The water I think, made that possible...talk about excellent pain management!
Then I had a really big contraction, and I couldn't sit on the inflated seat to manage it. I had to roll over and plant my knees on the floor of the tub, and sort of drape my upper body over the wall of the tub. There were handles both on the top of the wall, and just on the outside of the wall that I could hold on to for leverage. I had to do that, and I was really glad for the grip, that contraction was a very powerful one. I think my water must have broken at that point, but I was in the tub so I didn't really feel it like I had with my other births. I felt kind of pushy when the contraction was over, and I said "I feel a little pushy..." I must have sounded really surprised about this because I was thinking "surely not. It can't be time for that already, can it?" I only had about a 30 second pause after that contraction, and then when the next one came my body pretty much just took over and I started to push. I didn't have any control over it. It was really hard work, and I pushed for the full length of the contraction; a full minute I think. It was like an out of body experience, except that I was physically experiencing everything and feeling everything, but my mind was somewhere else. I only had enough time after that contraction to take a quick breath before the next one came and my body took over and started pushing again. To everyone else, it looked like one really big push, but it was actually two. I pushed for the full length of the second contraction as well, also a full minute. Song caught the baby when he was born at the end of the second push.
I hung over the side of the tub and just cried. There were not tears, but I just cried. I was so relieved, and overwhelmed...I couldn't do anything but just cry. Everyone except Megan was behind me, and I could hear their joy and the commotion of birth, but I couldn't really comprehend all that was said. I heard Eli say something like "Hello my son!" but I'm not sure that is what he said. I did turn my head around a couple times to look at the baby, he started crying strong and loud, as soon as they brought him out of the water. When I turned around at one point, I saw Song just holding him up over the water, bent over the tub, waiting for me to turn around and take my baby from her. She had a really big, cheesy grin on her face and looked really funny standing there like that. It's one of my favorite images from the whole birth.
After a couple minutes of collecting myself, I was finally able to turn around and with help swing my leg over his cord. From the moment I laid my eyes on his face, and especially when I touched his skin, I knew that his name should be Emmett Joy. But I didn't say that. I greeted him as Baby Joy. I hugged him close, and just took him all in for a second, and then threw my head back and smiled. He was finally here...and wow! What an amazing birth! The atmosphere in the room felt like it was super charged with Joy, it was awesome! Everyone had a smile on their face, and I felt pretty great. Emmett was born at 10:36pm
I wanted to enjoy the tub for a little longer, since I had only been in it for 10-15 minutes. But I was feeling like I needed a little help with the placenta, and that I would have a bit more maneuverability to get it out if we went ahead and cut the cord (after a little while, we made sure it was done pulsing first) and hand Emmett off to daddy. Song got to cut the cord too because Eli was preoccupied....I think he just needed a minute to process the whole thing. After that, we got the placenta out easy enough and then I was ready to get out of the tub and shower off really quick. I didn't even feel all that shaky, and the best part was after the shower, I went and got into my own bed and snuggled my little babe up. Song brought me a plate of yummy fruit and fresh veggies, and some summer sausage and cheese, and pita crackers and humus, and a glass of OJ. It was awesome! That's when the party started!
It really did feel like a party. We had our bedroom door open (which opens into the living room) and everyone was hanging out in the living room or one or two people at a time would come in the bedroom with me and sit on the bed and just chat. It was so cool! Eli and Megan spent the first little while bailing out the tub, and cleaning up. Then I needed to get up and go pee, and while I was in there got to do the placenta exam with Megan. That was really cool too. What an amazing organ!
When I went back to bed, it was time to do the new born exam. Emmett weighed in at 8lbs even, and measured 21 inches long. So he was just a little bigger than Martyn (7lbs 12 oz) and the same length as Corbin. It was really fun to get to watch the whole new born exam, right there at the foot of the bed. Also, my friend Tara who is also studying to be a midwife, had come to take pictures, and she got to assist with the new born exam and trim Emmett's cord shorter. It was really cool for me to get to host that learning experience for her too, I felt very privileged.
Basically, the whole experience for me, can be summed up in one word... Joy!
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